i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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