youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
