Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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