My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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