Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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