they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
