I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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