just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
