you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
