Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
