Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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