Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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