she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
