he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
