Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
