She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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