Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
