I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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