Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He passed out mid-signature
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
