he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
