Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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