I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
