textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
