my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
