I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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