I feel like abortions should bother me more
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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