i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
