You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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