My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
