He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
