Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
