Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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