I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he quoted the bible to break up with me
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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