She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
