i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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