Acid is not a monday night drug
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
