every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
