when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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