omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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