I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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