Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
