Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Randomize
