my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
