i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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