So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
God I need to hump something, right now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
