you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
