I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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