Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
