He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
