Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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