the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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