Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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